Surviving Parental Disappointment

'See them as they are, not as you want or need them to be.'

One of the best pieces of advice a therapist shared with me.

See them as they are.

See them for who they are at that particular time in their lives, a product of their own experiences. A unique combination of their dreams, hopes, self-beliefs and traumas.

This is not about forgiveness or accepting bad behaviour.

This isn't even about thinking bad of your own parents.

This is about your own healing.

I always had a difficult or rather distant relationship with caregivers growing up which of course caused me great pain. I grew up with absent parents & toxic grandparents. I grew up with questions a child brain could simply not understand or make reason of. And as an adult i couldn't let go of. I questioned why I wasn't enough, what part of me made me unlovable. You see as a child these where the messages i internalized, whether true or not, they became my core beliefs. A lack of self worth and difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships, stemmed from the emotional neglect of having emotionally immature adults in my life.

As a child I knew no different as with most of us, we have no healthy caregiver example in which to lead from. As an adult, I had expectations of what a parent should be.

I expected the relationship to be a certain way and provide me with what I needed. I craved the care i did not receive from them when i needed it the most.

I held them to a perfectly acceptable standard, yet one which they could not reach. I created an image in my head of who they should be and although not unreasonable, learnt that people cannot always be that version you need. Some people are just not meant to raise children in that capacity. The disappointment we feel from this is the starting point in moving forward, to releasing our negative self beliefs and protecting our sacred peace.

Yet despite this disappointment and pain, there has to be an element of understanding. Understanding that each person is fighting their own battles we know nothing about and simply may not have the capacity for anything else. The limit to which we are willing to accept is personal.

It is our responsibility as adults to find our own way to heal and in doing so, does not diminish the experiences of our childhood, but rather sets us free.

For me, I held onto this wisdom, I worked to see people as they are, not as i wanted or needed them to be. It allowed me to release my expectation. It allowed me to begin healing that pain. It allowed me to understand people from a perspective of 'them' and not drowned in my own 'I' stance. I began to disconnect their behaviors from my own self worth, learning that I am deserving of love, I am worthy and did not deserve to have my emotions neglected. My voice is valid, my feelings are valid, I am valid. As every single one of us is.

Children are not accountable for the behaviors of adults, they are not responsible for adult choices nor does it define their self worth. So start there. Start with disconnecting. Start with the knowledge that you are worthy, that their neglect is not a reflection of you.

Coming from a place of self love, you are able to begin the process of setting healthy boundaries. Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects to healing our childhood trauma leaves us with. We fear boundaries for so many reasons, all of which are so often rooted in our own opinions of ourselves. Learning to enforce boundaries is something we were never taught but must learn how to do.

For me this process has taken years of uncovering hidden beliefs, recognizing their origins and releasing tightly held emotions. It has involved re-parenting my inner child, learning to stabilize my nervous system and understanding my own personal power. It is something that each one of us can do, just one step at a time.

Start by getting deeply in tune to what it is you need, what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

Learn how to enforce these boundaries through communication, a challenging lesson for many of us but one in which we are all capable of doing.

Learning these three things; acceptance, self-love & boundaries give the momentum needed to help heal old wounds, build beautiful relationships and find the strength in your own value.

You are the creator of your own reality.

You are lovable, valued and worthy.

Who you allow to share your peace, is entirely your decision.